Monday, June 17, 2013

Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I get to comfortable when Eli has a streak of good health. I forget too easy what it is too be afraid again, when he his out of my sight worrying about all the what if's, and the knots I get in my stomach as I watch that sweet little boy go through a seizure(s). This morning I got up early and put my oatmeal together and I just felt I needed to check on Eli. I went into his room and as I looked into his bed, his eyes were rolled into the back of his head, and he had saliva running out of is mouth and his arm was waving like he was leading music, and his little body was shaking. It was horrific, to see happen.

I quickly picked him up and carried him to the couch on his side and set a timer, in case he needed his rescue med. The minutes feel so long and I feel so helpless as I hold him all the while praying that the seizure will subside. It stopped after 2 minutes and Ruby came up and was sitting on the couch by me. His seizures make him tired. So he took a little 15 minute nap and at that point I realized that his meds were one the counter in the oral syringe and didn't get them before bed last night. I had Ruby grab it and I gave it to him slowly as he slept, as he woke he had another small one and I asked Ruby to run and get our neighbors. They are incredible, they were to our door in less than a minute. Gary and Caleb were able to administer a Priesthood blessing to Eli. So grateful to have worthy men so close when Jed is away.

As he snapped out of it, he asked to eat and kept saying "hide" and wanted to be covered with his blanket. My neighbors stayed and I went into the kitchen to get him some pancakes. He was in there with me and fell to the floor and had another small seizure. I hate it so much. It makes my heart so sad.

I was able to get him to eat after a little bit, and we were just waiting for the Neurology line to open at Primary's so I could leave a  message for the nurses. Normally it takes about 24 hours for them to get back to you, but they called me in about 2 hours and then they got a message over to his Dr. and she called me and we will be going in to talk about possible new med options or adding a second med, since he is pretty much maxed out on what he is on now.

Often the tutor in life is pain. Some lessons hurt so much, and yet there is value and importance in them. The greatest comfort I find when I am worried or crying about Eli is that Heavenly Father is in the details. Most of the time I don't have the answers to my questions, and the why's and how's but I know that the Lord's hand is in all things and we can trust Him. He cares about the things we care about. And for now that is enough.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

summer happenings and 10 week apt.

We have had a great start to the week, Monday we went to the park with Whitty Kitty, and had an great afternoon, I had a fun visit with Kami and the kids had fun playing and Eli took a nap in a 5 point harness swing. He had the most peaceful look on his face.

Tuesday we headed up to Sandy for my Dr. appt and my sister was very nice to watch the kids for me while I was gone. She was also watching my neice and nephew so she was watching 7 children. When I got back she said " I am so happy to see you I could kiss you." If you know my sister that is the last thing on the planet she would want to do, so I knew she was glad to have me back. :)

My appt went great, after I got through the mountain of paperwork. I love Dr. L's office, they remember who I am and things about me and I like that. I got to see baby via ultrasound and saw the heartbeat. I am measuring a 5 days ahead but we will keep my due date of January 4th. I am really hoping to deliver before the end of the year. We shall see. I am scheduled appt wise up to my 20 week ultra sound in August.

Then it was off to the lab to have the maternity panel done. I told the girls that I would have to have blood drawn because they wanted to know what would happen at the appt. When Ruby heard they were going to have to put a needle in my arm and take my blood. she said "I am glad I found this out, before I started thinking about having babies."

The rest of the day was really fun. The girls had a great time being with their cousins, and I had a fun visit with Lady Erin and Sir Dallen.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Sometimes I feel crazy

In order to keep myself on  more even keel we set up a little schedule to help summer go more smoothly. It goes like this:

  1. Breakfast
  2. get dressed/shower
  3. go for morning walk (the exersize really helps my mood swings) I like endorphins
  4. Read scriptures together and have family prayer
  5. Work time (the girls can earn 10 cents for each job they do) 
  6. Each child reads to me for 20 minutes 
  7. Fun activity ( get swimming pool out, make jam together, paint fingernails, ect)
We have been on schedule for 2 days, I am so proud. Sometimes it is tricky to say no when some of our cute little neighbor friends come to see if the kids can play or my children want neighbor friends to come on walks with us. I think the trick is, just being consistent and reminding the kids that it is family time. 

I find it very interesting that very seldom would Eli do something that completely frosts my cookies. I tend to think I am quite patient with him, but the combination of some of his quirks and my pregnancy hormones have made for some unpleasant moments. I get sad just thinking about some of my bad behavior. So I am trying to do better. Gratefully my children are patient and forgiving and Jed always tells me that there is nothing to feel bad about, that "it's not you, it's the pregnancy" He is nice and has been so super helpful. When we were contemplating another baby I told him straight out that I was going to need his help. I don't think he realized what he was getting himself into. :) But I am grateful that with all he has going on he makes time to help when he is here.

Jed has a 2 week break from school. Which I am most excited about, this last 3 1/2 months has been hard for me. I will also get to go to Young Womens activities, for the next few weeks and will also be getting away for a few days for Youth Conference. It will be the longest I have been away.

My kids love being outside, Ruby and Emma can mostly manage themselves and I don't have to worry about them too much, they know the rules and they are pretty good at following them .Mr. Eli however needs constant supervision. He has crossed the street a few times even when I have been out watching him, he also loves to put rocks down our neighbor's window well grates. He calls it the "net", his other joys include having the hose turned on just a little bit and being in charge of it, and jumping on our neighbors trampoline. I am secretly hoping that a trampoline will be in the cards for Christmas.

When I am outside watching Eli I have taken up reading books and indexing. Our youth have a summer challenge for indexing and there is a BBQ with the stake presidency and prizes involved. At the begining of the year I set a goal to index 5000 names and have set a goal to do 3000 in the contest period which will equal 50 names a day. I find so much joy and fascination in just seeing the names and how many children they had, if they had lodgers living with them and other things you can find out. It has been a great source of service for me and I feel happy when I do it. I love indexing. I would like to jump on the family history wagon.
I was 6 weeks on Sunday and blissfully thinking that I would escape "pregnancy revenge" It was wonderful thinking. I was at the park with some of my lady friends on Monday and started to feel the effects of it. I felt pretty nauseated the rest of the afternoon. the girls were out playing with friends and Eli wanted to go for a walk, so I figured moving would be good. Got back from our walk and I paid my dues to the porcelain throne. I texted Jed and said "I forgot how good it feels to throw up." :(

I made it through dinner and lounged on the couch for the rest of the evening, while Ruby was doing her eye therapy. Eli would come and pet my hair and get into my face and then turn and run, and then come back for more.

We made our announcement to our parents on Sunday, Mother's day. It was too hard to keep the secret from them because Jed sees his parents a few times a week in between work and school and I see my mom at least once a week. It was fun to tell them. My mom was confused, and my dad didn't say anything. (He had a long weekend and insisted it was because he was half asleep when I blurted it out there.)

When I told my parents I said

"So you are going to have another grandbaby."
-"Who is?"
"You are."
-"You are???"
"No you are,"
It was pretty funny.

Jed's told his parents by saying.

"What does winner, winner, chicken dinner, black jack and 21 meant to you?"

His mom immedately jumped out of her chair and started shouting "You are???? Are you serious? Are you really?" Her reactions never fail to make me smile and feel good

I think I am so sneaky (pregnancy posts)

Last Monday April 20th or something like that, I was in a crazy mood. My emotions were ridiculous, everything made me want to cry or get really angry. I hate feeling that way, I sent Jed a text and asked him if when he got home he could give me a Priesthood blessing. He asked what was up and I explained how I was feeling. He said absolutely he would. When he came home we chatted for a bit and then he gave me a blessing I felt much better and knew that the words came from the Lord.

The rest of the week passed fairly normal and come Friday evening I was feeling very down and depressed for no real reason. Things that were bugging me that normally wouldn't.I went to the neighbors to take a family picture of them after their race and when I got home I came and laid my head in Jed's lap and said  "I feel crazy do you think I could be?" He said it is possible but probably not. I do get a little flighty pre-lady time.  Things didn't seem quite right, so I crept to the bathroom and took out my favorite dollar store pregnancy tests, did my business and watched at the test worked it's routine function. I saw a very strong line and then a faint but still there line. I meandered downstairs to show Jed and asked is this what I think it is? He took a look and said "yes, yes it is." With a very large grin on his face.

I am terrible at keeping secrets about myself, however when I found out I was pregnant on my 26th birthday and then I miscarried a few days later, I couldn't bear the thought of telling people and then having to retell them the sad news. So I am keeping my secret for as long as I can, I really as so excited. Gentle reminders from Heavenly Father have come on many occasions that it was time for us to welcome a new baby into our family but I would always talk myself out of it saying that "The timing isn't right, or we have too much on our plate as it is." At the beginning of the year though these thoughts have come again and again and remembrances of previous reminders He has given us. We have fasted, prayed, visited the Temple time and again it has been made clear what it is we need to do. So I have put aside my fear and have replaced it with the faith that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and knows best how to do that. I am grateful for His help in helping me get out of my own way because I like to think that I know what is best.

I really am so excited and it is fun having a secret.

I feel like I am kind of avoiding getting together with people because I am just bursting to tell someone, but I promised that I would wait until I am 10 weeks. I got together with a friend yesterday and I wanted to tell her but didn't.

I am feeling really good, like I did with Eli. Boy maybe? My mom came on Monday and I was being super careful to make sure there was no evidence lying around. I hung onto my prego test and I had to put that and my prenatals under the counter so she wouldn't see. While she was here the Dr. office called and I took the call in the bathroom, gratefully she didn't ask who it was. :)

I am trying really hard to eat well this time around because gaining 50 lbs a pregnancy isn't a good idea on a short frame like mine. And I can eat like no body's business. Like the time I ate a dozen cookies at night when I couldn't sleep when I was pregnant with Eli.

I never watch t.v. during the day, but I am finding I like to laze about in the afternoon and Eli will just lay by me and look at his book. It is a nice little arrangement.